| According to most relationship books, the key to a solid marriage is communication, communication, communication. Phooey, says John Gottman, PhD, author of the much-lauded Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. There's much more to a solid, "emotionally intelligent" marriage than sharing every feeling and thought, he points out--though most couples therapists ineffectively (and expensively) harp on these concepts. Gottman, the director of the Gottman Institute, has found through studying hundreds of couples in his "love lab" that it only takes five minutes for him to predict--with 91 per cent accuracy--which couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes amusing passages from his sessions with married couples. (One standout is Rory, the paediatrician who didn't know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work.) Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don't resolve every problem. "Take Allan and Betty", he writes. "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship." While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply". Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce (including that of Rory, the out-of-touch doctor) and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening. --Erica Jorgensen |
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 Excellent Relationship Building Techniques |
| Review Date: October 11, 2009 |
| Reviewer: William Cohen, London |
I've never been married but a friend of mine recently announced he was getting divorced, so I thought I would find out more about the subject. Also I write speeches for weddings, and I thought I might be able to find a few good tips.
Gottman's thesis is about dealing with the four horsemen of the apocalypse that poison a marriage. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. I was also introduced to the concept of 'flooding' which is how it feels when you're overwhelmed with criticism from someone, and you tune out.
In the introduction, Gottman acknowledges his debt to Victor Frankl and Irvin Yalom, two characters I admire greatly. There are lots of useful exercises in the book, and although it sometimes feels like a corny self-help book, there are some profound and helpful insights that are worth holding on tight to. |
Modernist marriage recipe
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| Review Date: August 9, 2009 |
| Reviewer: Hera de Olimpia, |
I bought this book on the strength of reviews here. Gottleman's approach is that he has studied marriage in laboratory conditions, and has come to some finite and definite conclusions. Of course, in reality, people have different expectations of marriage, and not all aspects can be outwardly observed, especially in a lab, so there is no such thing as a "one size fits all" approach to solving marital problems.
However, Gottleman does give food for thought, which are useful for reflection. He discusses seven negative behaviours to avoid as well as seven broad areas that are important for nurturing positive attitudes about each other and the marriage, sharing broad values, daily routines and power, and overcoming communication blocks in problem solving.
I haven't (yet) followed Gottleman's formulaic suggestions, but I have come to realise things about my own needs and behaviour as a result of reading this book. I hope it will help. However, people react to factors outside their control, so outcomes may not be as clear and controllable as Gottleman suggests. It's a useful starting point for reflection, but I get the feeling that he's still missing something. Perhaps that's why his prediction rate for divorce and successful marriages is not 100%.
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The Seven Principles on Making a Marriage Work
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| Review Date: June 11, 2009 |
| Reviewer: T. Foster, |
| Very informative, helpful personally as well as professionally. Everyone could use this book if they are married or thinking of getting married. People spend more time on their car and their physique but not their marriage and fine tuning its engine. |
Not preachy, but thought provoking
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| Review Date: March 28, 2009 |
| Reviewer: S. Davidson, England |
I've read a lot of marriage books lately. This one is full of exercises to get you thinking about YOUR marriage and has no prescriptive advice.
The research the book is based on recognises that all marriages are different and focuses solely on the things that long lasting marriages seem to have in common, as well as those destructive habits that herald the beginning of the end. |
nice work
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| Review Date: January 22, 2009 |
| Reviewer: chi9ja, uk |
this book is wonderful i think, even tho i am not married yet, d advice seems doable and str8 4ward. my only problems with the book are, 1st, u can tell by the first two chapters the size of his ego and maybe, just maybe with his "skills" he can accurately predict the likely hood of a marriage ending up in divorce, but i believe that "where there is life, there is hope."
secondly, his advice to families to tear or remove themselves from their parents as they are a bad influence was not properly explained. some people have nosy parents, some people have meddeling parents but mostly people have wonderful parents aho have been married for yrs and yrs and whose valuable advice could help smooth out rough times in a marriage and of course spouses should support each other but he neglected to mention that some wives can be most unreasonable and for the most part people should be wary of parterners or spouses who choose to cause rifts in families. |
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